my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize