you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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