I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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