Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
