Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
