put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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