Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My ATM looks so different sober.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
