filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
