we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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