um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
