My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
