this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
