Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
