In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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