Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
