I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
