I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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