I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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