Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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