I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Who put my cat in the fridge?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
