why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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