no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
