last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
