He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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