i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We're too hungover to prance.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
