just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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