please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
