On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
