So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
