Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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