Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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