I can't watch pbs sober anymore
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
