It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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