im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize