Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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