WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize