Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just gargled with NyQuil
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
