i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
