He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
