Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Randomize
