my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
