i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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