There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
