if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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