so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
