i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
