is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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