I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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