I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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