Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize