She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
