Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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