Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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