nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
