I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
