now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Randomize
