That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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