the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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