shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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