Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
