I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
