I cannot find my penis.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
