There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
there's paper in my vomit.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
