just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
