i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It's official drugs can't kill me
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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